Dear Marie Kondo,

Clothes do not bring me joy. I simply do not give a damn about socks, shirts, pants, briefs. Following your advice to retain only items which spark joy, I am now nude and unemployed. Of course, since I was the breadwinner for my family, my wife and children have left me. They brought me joy, but discarding my clothing was important to reducing my clutter, and now I’ve certainly reduced my clutter.

Oh, and thank heavens I got rid of those clothes. I saw many pictures of drawers full of folded clothing stored vertically. That really does work well for a drawer full of clothing. But my drawers were full of clothing only immediately after I washed. By mid-week, they were only half full! Of course, whenever I opened a half full drawer of shirts stored vertically, they fell over. It was so much bother to stand them up each time I opened the drawer. I considered using bookends to keep them tidy, but bookends do not bring me joy.

I had many tools which I’ve discarded. I really didn’t get joy from my lawn mower or the table saw and other tools. Now the city mows my lawn for me. They fine me only $2500 each time they mow it, so I’m getting rid of the clutter of cash too! Of course, without the table saw and other tools, there are some home repairs I can’t perform. But that’s OK. My home has been condemned by the city, so it too will be discarded.

Oy! Don’t get me started about eating utensils. Is there really someone who derives joy from a fork or a spoon? But now that I’m losing my home, I won’t really have to bother with utensils. Chez Dump lets one eat with one’s fingers.

Camping used to bring me joy, but it has so many items one must store. There really isn’t any way to store 432 items vertically. I used to store them in stacked containers. Of course they overflowed the available space. When I looked at each individual item, I had to admit that most of them did not bring me joy in and of themselves. Picking up my nifty little camp stove does bring me joy because it is so well designed. Fuel bottles – not so much joy. So now I go camping in the nude with just my stove and no fuel. I’ve certainly reduced my clutter.

I used to enjoy ham radio as a hobby. I really, really love my Elecraft KX3 radio. It is epically well designed. But to be honest, things like batteries to run it, wires to connect it to the batteries, antennas, microphones… not so much. Now that I got rid of all of those critical accessories, I do still love my radio. Do you have any advice on how I can use my radio without power or a microphone? No? Well, I’ll just appreciate what it used to do for me.

Frankly, problems with the whole Kondo method include

• It assumes that one lives in a managed apartment with all maintenanced attended to by someone else
• One has no hobbies which come with lots of stuff. (Hobbies bring joy.)
• One’s drawers are always at a constant level of fullness. (Vertical topples unless supported.)
• One derives joy from items necessary to meet one’s responsibilities. (There’s a whole lot of shit I have to own in order to maintain my house, my car, my job, my dental health.)

The Kondo method seems well suited to someone with clothing and housewares fetishes, no hobbies, and no responsibilities.